Dawn of the Commercials
(Intro) (We see the door to the filming room. Just then, NC steps out with his "I Donut Donuts" on. He also epically looks onward to the fake audience cheering for him as an epic choir sings. NC then walks through the right archway.) Crowd member (voiced by NC): Uh, does he know the TV's the other way? (NC returns, as the choir and cheering resumes, then sits on his sofa and picks up his remote.) NC: Let's review some commercials. (He turns on his TV. TV static transition to: various commercials.) NC (vo): Yep, it's that time again to tour down the often forgotten, but fondly remembered, avenue of nostalgic commercials. Why do so many of them stay with us? What is it about their world of pandering and advertising that makes us so fond of them? Whatever it is, we're gonna review them and partake in their corniness once more. NC: So, seeing how the first one I called "We'll Be Right Back" and the second one "After These Messages" and the third one "Exclamation Point", this one I'm gonna call..."The Fourth One". (We see the “After These Messages” bumpers as seen on ABC.) Three Clay Singers: After these messages... Clay Fire Hydrant: ''(sings)'' After these messages... Clay Cowboy: ''(sings)'' After these messages... Clay Dog: ''(sings)'' After these messages... (The title "The Fourth One" is shown.) Three Clay Singers (audio): ...we'll be right back! Chef Boyardee (TV static transition to: '''Chef Boyardee' commercial)'' Kid: Dinosaurs! Come on! Announcer: ♫ Capture the dinosaurs! Those rom-pin' stom-pin' dinosaurs! It's a dinosaur hunt! Chef Boyardee! ♫ NC (vo): Ah, good ol' Chef Boyardee, causing children around the world to grow up and shout "I can't believe I used to put this in my body." Announcer: Dinosaurs from Chef Boyardee. Tasty, wholesome pasta that's a dinosaur hunt. NC: "Tasty wholesome pasta." I can think of three things wrong with that sentence. Pac-Man: Thank goodness for new Pac-Man pasta from Chef Boyardee. NC (vo): Now, of course, making famous characters into edible shapes is nothing new. There was Pac-Man, Smurfs. Hell, even Tic-Tac-Toe got a pasta. Announcer: ♫ Wherever I go, it's X's and O's. Makes me feel so hungry for my Tic-Tac-Toes. ♫ NC (vo): But what some people forget is that for the longest time, they tried to make a game out of eating their products. Yeah, listen. Announcer: And when you get three X's or O's on your spoon, you win! Announcer: First one to capture all three dinosaur shapes wins! NC (vo): Why must you turn dinnertime into a competitive sport? Wouldn't the more appropriate rules be: Announcer (vo by Malcolm Ray): Hey, kids! If you can eat the elbow macaroni and ketchup we're calling pasta without vomiting it up through your ears, nose, or mouth, you win! Kids: Thank goodness for Chef Boyardee. NC (vo): Look at this crazy kid. He is jacked up on this stuff. Just look at that face (close-up on kid's large grin). It's like he saw Jesus and at the same time decided he wanted to eat him. Announcer: ♫ Wherever I go, it's X's and O's. ♫ NC as Kid: Ahhhhh! Announcer: They're so tasty. Chef Boyardee. NC (vo): Well, even if you don't like the food, Chef Boyardee always knew how to give us that tasty amount of goofiness. Announcer: ♫ Tic Tic Tic Tic Tic Tac Toes. ♫ With and without meatballs. NC as Kid: Ahhhh! McDonald's (TV static transition to: '''McDonald's' commercials)'' (In a snowy house street, a little girl named Lindsey encounters Ronald McDonald building a snowman) '' '''Ronald McDonald:' Hi, Lindsey. Lindsey: Oh, hi, Ronald. NC (vo): Oh, God, you can't help but feel that warm fuzzy feeling whenever you watch this classic. Ronald: What's new? Lindsey: Nothing. Everybody says I'm too little. Ronald: Really? NC (vo): It's a McDonald's commercial about a little girl thinking about running away...and, for some reason, never questions the creepy clown that's on her neighbor's lawn. Lindsey: I'm thinking of running away to McDonaldland. Ronald: McDonaldland? That's where I'm from. NC as Lindsey: I hear it's a dictatorship where people disappear. NC as Ronald: Well, Lindsey, maybe there's some undesirables that are holding back genetic progress. Lindsey: Yeah, I hear it's really nice. Ronald: I hear where you're from is really nice, too. Lindsey: It's okay. Ronald: 'Cause you got that basketball hoop over your garage, and your back porch has that great wind chime. (Makes icicles on a tree spin like a wind chime) Lindsey: I made that. Ronald: (makes a butterfly appear in his hands) Plus, there's that beautiful field. Lindsey: Where I chase butterflies. NC (vo): Yeah, but to be fair, her basketball hoop and wind chime aren't as impressive as your satanic powers to levitate solid mass and create life from nothingness. McDonaldland is still sounding a bit cooler there, Ronald. Ronald: Hey, when you're in McDonaldland, who's gonna make the decorations for your dad's birthday party? Who's gonna be the snowflake in the school play? Lindsey: Ronald. Ronald: Who's gonna feed Mr. Goldfish? Lindsey: Hey, Ronald. I think I hear my mom calling me. Ronald: Oh, okay. Bye, Lindsey. Lindsey: Bye. (Lindsey runs for home as Ronald waves goodbye to her; the McDonald's logo is shown at the bottom right corner) NC (vo): Yeah, it all seems sweet and cute until you realize this was a stranger danger commercial. Audience: Boooo! NC: Oh, come on. I can't be the first person to think that about Ronald McDonald. I mean, look at him in this commercial. (Another Christmas-related McDonald's commercial is shown, showing a girl making a Ronald snowman, then Ronald appearing by her side to help her) Ronald: He's good. But I think he's missing something. Girl: What? (Roland blows some snow to make another snowman appear.) Ronald: A friend. NC (vo): Yeah, if a strange man dressed like a clown lures you with magic tricks and, oh, I don't know, offers you McDonald's to go with him, chances are, you should probably run for home, or as Sonic puts it: Sonic the Hedgehog: You get outta there. NC (vo): Just look at the way Ronald stares at her in this scene. Ronald: I think he's missing something. (Blows some snow to make another snowman appear.) A friend. (Ronald smiles at the girl; creepy music is heard in the background.) NC (vo): If someone went up to your kid and smiled like this... (NC grins creepily with the same creepy music.) NC (vo): ...I'd pull her the fuck away from him. Oh, well. As much as I make fun of them, I still love both these commercials around Christmas time. (The ending of the second commercial is shown, showing Ronald and the girl walking away together, with the McDonald's sign in the background) Announcer: McDonald's wishes you a holiday season spent with the people who make you smile. NC: Brought to you by a company set to sabotage your arteries for the rest of your life. (We see the ending of the first commercial) Ronald: Bye, Lindsey. Lindsey: Bye. (Lindsey runs for home as Ronald waves goodbye to her; creepy music is heard in the background again) Diet Coke (TV static transition to: A '''Batman Returns' commercial)'' NC (vo): So you think celebrity endorsements are bad now? Take a look at what they did to the Caped Crusader when Batman Returns came out. (Batman stops the Batmobile in front of a vending machine.) Reporter: News alert. Someone is stealing Gotham City's power supply. NC (vo): That's right. Is he gonna stop rioters or capture the culprit responsible for this crime? Fuck, no. He's gonna get him some Diet Coke. (Batman races through Gotham City.) Announcer: When you want a Diet Coke, you want a Diet Coke. NC (vo; as Batman): Diet Coke! Diet Coke! Diet Coke! I need my Diet Coke!! Announcer: After all, there's just one. NC (vo; as Batman): I need my fucking Diet Coke!! (We are shown clips of ''Batman Returns, showing Batman driving the out-of-control Batmobile through the city streets)'' NC (vo; as Batman): Goddamn traffic, get out of the way! I need my fat-free alternative to high fructose deliciousness! (Alfred appears on Batman's screen communicator) NC (vo; as Alfred): Sir, don't you think you're taking this a little too far-- NC (vo; as Batman): (smashes the screen communicator) Fuck you, Mr. Belvedere! DIET COOOOOKE!!! (Cut back to the commercial) Announcer: After all, there's just one. (Batman approaches the vending machine as Catwoman laughs over him on the rooftop.) NC (vo): But we discover it was Catwoman who was the culprit all along. (Catwoman laughs and throws a Diet Coke down) Boy, slow week for her, isn't it? I mean, was this really her grand plan? Shut down the city so she could tease Batman's bizarre low-calorie soda fetish? No offense, Selina, but you could do better. (Batman catches the soda with his bat-grappling hook.) Announcer: Diet Coke, just for the taste. NC: (chuckles) No, that's the last reason anybody drinks it. The first reason is, well, now honestly, because Batman drinks it. NC (vo): He loves it so much, he would literally let the city DIE just to get the last one. That's probably the best endorsement you could give a product. NC: So, eh, I guess it works. Announcer: Diet Coke, just for the taste. NC (vo; as Batman): DIET COOOOOKE!!! Toys "R" Us (TV Static transition to: '''Toys "R" Us' commercial)'' Jenny Lewis: (singing) ♫ I don't want to grow up, I'm a Toys "R" Us kid. ♫ NC (vo): Another classic collection of commercials we can't forget, along with that wonderful jingle we can't forget. Peter Jacobs: (singing) ♫ I don't want to grow up, I'm a Toys "R" Us kid. ♫ Scott Nemes: (singing) ♫ They got the best for so much less, you'll really flip your lid. ♫ NC (vo): They're charming commercials and all, but is it me or does this sound like the national anthem for adults who never really DID grow up? You know, those man-children and woman-children who never wanted to do anything with their lives except play with their toys? I'm telling you. It's all because of this jingle. NC: Don't believe me? The sequel commercial that came out years later proves it. (That commercial is shown) Jenny Lewis: (singing) ♫ I don't want to grow up, I'm a Toys "R" Us kid. ♫ Adult Jenny Lewis: (singing) ♫ They've got a million... ♫ NC (vo): Look at that, they're in the exact same location! Peter Jacobs: (singing) ♫ I don't want to grow up. ♫ Adult Peter Jacobs: (singing) ♫ I'm a Toys "R" Us kid. ♫ Scott Nemes: (singing) ♫ They got the best for so much less. ♫ Adult Scott Nemes: (singing) ♫ You'll really flip your lid. ♫ NC (vo): It's like no time has passed. They never left their parents' place. This is their life. Lindsey Price: (singing) ♫ From bikes to trains to video games. ♫ Adult Lindsey Price: (singing) ♫ It's the biggest toy store there is. ♫ NC (vo): In fact, the more I think about it, they're probably there even to this day. (Cut to Malcolm Ray at his computer with his keyboard covered in toy guns and candy.) Mom: (vo by Rachel Tietz) Reggie! Reggie: Oh, go away, Mom! Mom: Reggie, when are you gonna get a job? Reggie: I told you, Mom. I'm a Toys "R" Us kid. Mom: (her voice gets tearful) ''You keep saying that! What does it mean?! '''Reggie:' You couldn't possibly understand, Mom. Mom: I'm never gonna have any grandchildren. Reggie: They just complicate the plan, Mom. The Toys "R" Us plan. Mom: I'm gonna watch old home movies of ya and see where I went wrong. Reggie: Toys "R" Us kid, Mom! Toys "R" Us kid! (Cut back to the commercials) NC (vo): The only other problem I ever had with these commercials is that half the toys were never AT Toys "R" Us. You ever noticed that? I don't know if it was a copyright thing or what, but half of these products they were advertising were never at the store. NC: Like, imagine if you were a Ninja Turtle nut, like I was. Look at THESE fucking things! (One of the commercials shows dancing Ninja Turtles) NC (vo): Holy shit! I want the life-size dancing Ninja Turtles, please! (The following captions listed in bold are shown in red captions and are accompanied by a buzzer sound) ("Don't Have It!") NC: What? Don't have it? Well, okay. I'll take that gigantic teddy bear that he's bouncing around on. ("Don't Have It!") NC: What? Well, how about that game where you bomb the battleship? ("Don't Have It!") NC: Fuck you! Look through the store! There has to be a game where you can bomb a battleship! Gah, this place is an insult to Geoffrey the Giraffe! ("He's Not Real!") NC: (stunned) ''He's not real? '("NO!")' ''(After a beat, NC breaks down) NC: I DON'T WANNA GROW UP! (Puts his head in his hands as he weeps) Mom: Critic, when are you gonna get a job? NC: Shut up, Mom! Kids: ♫ I want to be a Toys "R" Us kid. ♫ NC (vo): Fucking LIARS! Count Chocula (TV static transition to: '''Count Chocula' commercial)'' Count Chocula: Chocolatey cereal with Chocolatey marshmallow bats. NC (vo): Believe it or not, there was actually a period of time when Count Chocula was a live-action character. And would you like to see what he looks like? (We are shown the creepy looking Count with sunken in eyes and a very large cleft chin.) Count Chocula: If you crave chocolate, too... NC: AHHH! Count Chocula: Count Chocula can satisfy the chocolate monster in YOU! NC (vo): What the HELL is that?! It's like a silly putty combo of the Nesquik Rabbit and fat "Weird Al" Yankovic! NC: '''And, okay...that chin seriously needs to be censored. '''NC (vo): '''I swear, I'm looking at Forest Whitaker's testicles right now, and that should not be under the mouth of any cereal mascot. '''Count Chocula: Something happens to Mickey at daylight. Mickey: Chocolate! Count Chocula: A chocolate monster in him comes out for a bite. NC (vo): I don't even know what the commercial's about. It's a monster that wakes up, but when he's fed Count Chocula, he turns back into a kid...I-I-WHO CARES?! You can't take your eyes off that image of Robin Williams' face coming out of a Muppet's butt! Count Chocula: If you crave chocolate, too... NC: GAHH!!! Turn away, turn it away! Burn it with acid! Count Chocula: ...satisfies the chocolate monster...in no time flat! Count Chocula (vo): The monstrously good part of a complete breakfast. Count Chocula: Count Chocula can satisfy the chocolate monster in you! NC: You stay the fuck away from my chocolate monster! Sexual Harassment PSA (TV static transition to: '''Sexual Harassment PSA')'' (A boss approaches a female worker) Boss: Y'know, you're doing a great job. NC (vo): Oh, yeah. I don't know how many people remember this one, but for a while, everybody was quoting it. It starts off with a woman working at her job when her boss obviously starts hitting on her. Boss: But you're not using all your assets. With a body like that, you could go places. (The woman shrinks a bit and continues to shrink as her boss keeps hitting on her.) Female Announcer (vo): Sexual harassment makes you feel like less of a person. Ask for the stop sexual harassment booklet at your public library. Boss: Be a little more sexy. Hey, we're talking about your job here. Woman: No, we're talking about sexual harassment here, and I don't have to take it. (Disappointed, the boss walks away) NC (vo): BOOM! My early 90s perm just schooled your ass! Heh, I don't know what it is; there's just something about how direct she is and how almost robotic she says it. Woman: No, we're talking about sexual harassment here, (close-up with deeper voice) and I don't have to take it. (YYYEAAAAAHHHH!! NC puts on shades, then stands up.) NC (vo): The funny thing is, sometimes, I wonder if this would still work if the roles were reversed, like, if it was the woman hitting on the man. My guess, in all honesty, would be, "No." For one, kind of obviously, this happens more to women than it does to men, but two, men just aren't smart enough to recognize when they're being hit on. We're kinda dumb that way. If a woman is not interested, that's the one we go for, but if a woman IS interested, we're blindly naive to it for some reason. If a female boss is hitting on a male worker, he's not gonna catch onto it anytime soon. (Cut to the Wicked Witch of the West, played by Rachel Tietz, in her castle.) Witch: Dorothy has escaped the castle! Spread out! Find her! Find HER! (suddenly points to someone offscreen) Except for you. You come here. (Romantic music plays as one of the guards, played by Malcolm Ray, approaches her.) Winkie Guard: Yes, my lady. Witch: (starts rubbing his chest armor in an attempt to seduce him) It's been a long day, hasn't it, Oh-ee-oh Henchman #5? Winkie Guard: Yes, my lady. Witch: And you'd do anything for me, wouldn't you? Winkie Guard: Yes, my lady. Unless someone half your age were to kill you, in which case, I would swear allegiance to her blindly. Witch: (confused) Okay. What do you say I ride your broomstick for a while? Winkie Guard: What do you mean? Witch: Fill my pointy hat. Winkie Guard: Don't follow. Witch: Pop my ruby slipper. Winkie Guard: Totally lost. Witch: Jesus! Do I have to spell it out for you? I want to have sex with you. Winkie Guard: Oh...still don't get it. Witch: (confused) ''I don't have any other words to say. Not one part of that sentence could be interpreted in any other way. '''Winkie Guard:' Oh. I think I see what you're saying. Witch: (smiles) ''Good. '''Winkie Guard:' You want me and Henchwoman #12 to hook up? (The Witch becomes stunned) Well, don't worry, my lady. I'm still working on it. (Looks offscreen) Hello, Henchwoman #12. Henchwoman: (offscreen) Still not into you, creep. Winkie Guard: She's so into me. Witch: Oh, forget it. You're fired! I'm gonna go hit on a flying monkey. (Leaves) Winkie Guard: (still smiling) I need a better union. (Cut back to the commercial) NC (vo): Enjoyably awkward and quotable as hell, we're just talking about a damn funny commercial here. Woman: No, we're talking about sexual harassment here, and I don't have to take it. Female Announcer (vo): Sexual harassment violates you and it violates the law. Kix (TV static transition to: '''Kix' commercial)'' Kid #2: Hey, Kix! NC (vo): Remember Kix? The only cereal commercial that pretty much listed every single reason why not to buy it? Various Kids: There's no candy stuff, no sugar sprinkles, no preservatives, no colors, it doesn't have any candy or chocolate in it... NC (kid voice): Honestly, it's just rabbit droppings that they painted yellow, but the box is pretty. NC (vo): Actually, they went so far out of their way to prove how little is in it, that there's actually a commercial that says there's no flavor in it! Listen! Kid: No colors, no flavors... NC (vo): Yeah, that might be taken the wrong way, guys, especially when you're advertising how phenomenally boring your product is! Girl #1: Those are the ones with the little candies, right? Girl #2: Uh-uh. NC (vo): The funny thing is that Kix is the only cereal that tastes different literally with every single bite you take. It's like it gets worse and worse with every single nip. I'm not even joking--you can do a diagram on the national progression of what every bite does to your taste buds. (NC takes a bite of Kix.) NC (vo): The first bite demonstrates a tasty enjoyable experience that seems rather satisfying. (Captions: "Size of Smile Suggests Pure Satisfaction", "Tasty and Enjoyable") (NC's face begins to fall as he chews again.) NC (vo): Notice how the smile has deteriorated by 50% on the second bite, signifying less enjoyment out of the experience. (Captions: "50% Drop", "This Might Have Been a Mistake") (NC gets a look of disgust as he chews again.) NC (vo): The third bite clearly shows the mistake one feels having placed this product in their mouth. Surely, part of the box must've worked its way onto the spoon. (Captions: "Oh My God, What Have I Done?" "Did I Eat the Toy Inside?") (NC spits out the cereal.) NC (vo): Clearly, they've made a cereal out of packing peanuts. This mistake will not be made again. (Caption: "This is Shit!") (NC cleans out his tongue, gagging all the while.) Announcer: Now kids can get a classic Little Golden Book, free from Kix, with one proof of purchase plus shipping. NC (vo): Okay, did anyone ever actually send in the proof of purchase? I mean, did that ever happen in the history of mankind? I don't know if cereals still do this, but when they were too cheap to put the toy in the box, they had you pay for a stamp and envelope, as well as shipping and handling, and have the toy delivered to you a few days later. Do kids really have the attention span for that? NC: (mimicking kid) Yay! I can get a toy! All I need is an envelope! I'm bored. Ooh, video games! Announcer: Now kids can get a free Dr. Seuss classic to read, with two proofs of purchase, plus shipping. NC (vo): But to be fair, those books probably would taste better than the actual cereal. (Kids hiccup and laugh.) Announcer: Kix: Kid Tested, Mother Approved. NC: Uh, yeah, let's say it like it is, people. (Kids hiccup and laugh.) Announcer (Malcolm Ray): Kix: Kids Tolerate it, Mother has Coupons. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles VHS (TV static transitions to: '''Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles VHS')'' Announcer: Hey, kids! There's another turtle-rific edition of... NC (vo): Now we're talkin'; Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! This is just a straightforward ad promoting the first VHS that ever came out of the series. Announcer: "Heroes in a Halfshell". NC (vo): There's not a ton to talk about, except for one little portion that might throw you off a bit. Announcer: The video that reveals the incredible true story. NC: Wait a minute! What was that? Announcer: The video that reveals the incredible true story. NC (vo): The incredible true story? NC: Um...I'm not a scientist or anything, but I'm just gonna take a wild guess that the insane adventures of (cut to clips of the show) four anthropomorphic lifeforms living in the sewers, skateboarding, eating pizza, and fighting the ninja army led by The Shredder (back to NC) probably ... PROBABLY takes place in the world of fiction. NC (vo): It's just so strange because there's no other way you can interpret it. It's not like he meant it to be taken this ''way or part of some misunderstanding. No, they straight-up say it's a true story. '''Announcer:' The video that reveals the incredible true story. NC (vo): Uh, what the hell are we supposed to do with that except draw the conclusion the FHE are fucking liars? Announcer: The video that reveals the incredible true story. NC: That's right. They're real, and if you don't see them in front of you right now, it's probably because you haven't bought enough of our products. Would we lie? NC (vo): What I like, too, is that the announcer clearly has no problems straight-up lying to kids about it, but he almost stumbles when he has to read what they're actually called. Announcer: It's Teenage...Mutant...Ninja Turtles. NC (vo): As if halfway through, he just realized how stupid this sounded, but tried to keep going anyway. NC as Announcer: Teenage...Mutant...oh, God, what were you guys smoking? Uh, Ninja Turtles. NC (vo): Still a fun ad. Just don't have FHE (Family Home Entertainment) testify in court anytime soon. Michelangelo: Rock, dudes! (TV static transition back to the Critic) NC: Now this next one's a classic for two reasons... (The Witch suddenly comes in, attempting to seduce him.) Witch: Hello, my pretty! (points at his shirt) Ah, I see you're a man who likes donuts, eh? NC: Yeah? Witch: Well, what do you say we find your creamy center? NC: What d'ya mean? Witch: Do some hole punching. NC: Don't follow. Witch: Let something rise up. NC: Totally lost. Witch: What's wrong with you? I want weird wobbly witch sex! NC: Oh! I know what you're saying. (The Witch smiles and nods) You want me and the actress from Game of Thrones, the one who plays the Albino dragon chick (Emilia Clarke), to hook up. Well, don't worry. I got her on speed dial. (dials his phone) Hey, it's you-know-who. Emilia: (on the other line) You're violating the restraining order, asshole! NC: She totally wants me. Witch: (stunned at NC) ''What am I missing here? '''NC:' You still around? Will you piss off? I'm trying to review some commercials. Witch: Commercials? NC: Yeah, like this one. (TV static) (Commercial Break) (TV static back to the NC and Witch looking at a laptop) Witch: And this is what happens when a man and woman love each other very, very much. NC: They look at porno sites together? Witch: (sighs) ''You're fired! ''(Leaves in frustration.) NC: I don't even know you! Take Care of Me Twins (TV static transition to: '''Take Care of Me Twins' baby dolls commercial)'' (Throughout the whole ad, we see a little girl trying to take care of twin baby dolls) NC (vo): Speaking of where babies come from, we got possibly one of the most brutally honest baby doll commercials ever. They're called the Take Care of Me Twins. Even that title sounds a little angry, doesn't it? Like a bitter nickname or something. NC: (annoyed, over the screaming baby from one of the eSults) Oh, am I needed by the Take Care of Me Twins? (slap!) NC (vo): This commercial seems determined to show every stressful, terrible part about raising a child. Female Singer: ♫ With Take Care of Me Twins, this is my day! ♫ NC (vo): "This is my day." Again, not the happiest words to shout during a baby commercial, but keep watching. Female Singer: ♫ This one is drooling, does your tummy hurt? Oh, excuse me, did you just drool on my shirt? I'm rushing around taking care of these two. With new little twins, there's so much to do. Uh-oh, is that a runny nose I see? Thanks very much, was that one for me? ♫ NC (vo): This is like the most passive-aggressive ad I've ever seen. Like saying, "Oh, yeah, you want a baby? You want a fucking baby? Kiss your social life goodbye, because this is your day! This is your entire goddamn day! Just drooling, sneezing, feeding, changing, running around!" Female Singer: ♫ Thanks very much, was that one for me? ♫ NC (vo): Just look at the smile she gives. That's the smile of "I'm about to kill these little bastards if someone doesn't take them away from me". Female Singer: ♫ Take Care of Me Twins keep me on the run, but caring for twins is so much more fun! ♫ NC (vo): And, oh, boy, what a rushed happy ending, huh? "Hell, Hell, Hell, Hell, Hell, but it's really good. Bye." Female Announcer: Take Care of Me Twins make four baby sounds. NC (vo): I don't think I've ever seen a toy that advertises more why NOT to buy it, but, hey, if tearing out your hair to raise a not human being is your idea of fun, then ... (weakly) yaaaay. Female Singer: ♫ Take Care of Me Twins keep me on the run, but caring for twins is so much more fun! ♫ Female Announcer: Take Care of Me Twins make four baby sounds. (The girl's creepy smile is shown with a gunshot sound and the words "SHOOT ME!") Milk (TV static transition to: '''Milk, It Does a Body Good' commercials)'' Girl: No, you cannot fit two of me in this dress. NC (vo): Ah, yet another series of classics. The setup is that we see what happens to a scrawny looking kid if they keep growing up while drinking their milk. (Cut to a ad showing a boy looking in a mirror) Boy: What girl's gonna go for me with a body like this? Older boy in mirror: Hang in there, Tom. I'm you two years from now, 'cause you're drinking milk and working out. (Cut to an ad showing a girl talking to her big brother) Girl: And I've got big news for you, big brother. I'm drinking milk. Older girl: And in the next few years, it's gonna give me a lot of what I need. More strong bones, beautiful skin. Woman: And a healthy body. NC (vo): Looking closer at these, have you ever realized how phenomenally shallow they are? I mean, all of them are totally based on looks alone. In fact, one of them even flat out says it. (Cut to an ad showing a boy talking to a girl) Boy: But I bet you're hoping for a hunk. Man: And when all my work is done, will you love me just for my body? Boy: I can live with that. Announcer: Milk, it does a body good. NC: Milk, because personality should come...never! NC (vo): As long as they show looks are everything, I guess milk is the ultimate ace in the hole. (Cut to an ad showing a girl looking at her older self in a mirror) Girl: But my body. The only difference between me and the guys is this dress. Woman in mirror: Hey, you can see we turned out just fine. Girl: (seeing her man) Who's that? Woman: That's Jeffrey Kaiser. NC: Yeah, he beats me with a shovel, but you can skate on those abs. (Cut back to Ad #2) Woman: If you're still the same little creep with a big body... Girl: I won't even acknowledge you're my brother. NC (vo): The truth is, if we really could go into the future based on what these selfish little douchebags are like, they probably wouldn't like what they see. (We then see the same setup with Doug Walker as the big brother and Rachel Tietz as the little sister.) Rachel: (as a girl) You may think I'm a shrimp now, big brother, but I'm drinking milk. (grows a little taller) Which means I'll grow long hair, beautiful skin. (looks more like an adult) And become totally self-absorbed, meaning I won't need anything for myself. (wearing a leopard print dress sounding very stuck-up) And instead marry a wealthy millionaire who only wants me for my body. (suddenly has messier hair and sounding upset) And then I'll feel this emptiness inside that only the miracle of cocaine can cure. (snorts cocaine as the brother looks on with horror) But then that's not enough, so then I'll turn to heroin for an even greater high. (now has even messier hair and looking very frazzled) And then I won't know what's real anymore, and I'll wonder where my life went WRONG!!! (is now wearing a hangman's noose, throwing it into the air) And then I'll be so jacked up on highballs that I'll try to kill myself in my mate's closet! (now suddenly appears clean-cut) But then I'll discover rehab and realize it was all part of God's plan. (suddenly appears frazzled again) BUT THEN, I'LL RELAPSE AND FALL RIGHT DOWN THIS SLIPPERY SLOPE AGAIN! (grabs Doug) OH, JESUS, BROTHER! HELP ME! (now appears as a homeless bum) And then, I'll die cold and alone, with my only friend, the glass of milk that started it all. (The big brother, looking terrified, runs off.) Announcer (Malcolm Ray): Milk. What the fuck? Chester A. Bum: HEY, THIS IS MY SPOT! (Kicks Rachel, who hisses at him.) Aah! (He runs away.) Rachel: ''(consoles her glass of milk) It's okay, shh. ''(kisses the glass) (Cut back to the commercials) NC (vo): Maybe I'm reading too deep into it, or maybe they should emphasize the importance of brain power as well as body power. Announcer: Milk, it does a body good. Rachel (vo): '''OH, JESUS, BROTHER! HELP ME! Canadian Women's Foundation ''(TV static transition to: '''Canadian Women's Foundation PSA)'' NC (vo): Oh, good. A commercial from Canada, our friendly neighbors from the North. NC: They're always so kind in everything they do. (A large group of females are celebrating a baby shower for a new mother) NC (vo): Oh, look, a baby shower for an expecting mother. Oh, you got the little girl there and everything, oh, my God. NC: This is going to be adorable. (The mother pulls out a whistle from a box.) Woman: What is that? Grandma: It's a rape whistle. (There is silence as text appears on screen, which says "1 in 2 girls growing up in Canada will be physically or sexually abused".) NC: (shocked, with a frozen smile on his face) WHAT THE FUCK, CANADA?? NC (vo): I mean, talk about an uncomfortable blow to your nads! Is this how you do all of your serious commercials? Start off with something innocent and light-hearted, and then smash it down into cruel, cruel reality? I mean, it's like starting off an ad like this. (We see Doug and Malcolm as two office workers at the water cooler with familiar Chinese music playing in the background.) Doug: You know, a hard day's work doesn't call for water out of the cooler. Malcolm: What do you got there? Doug: I got me a nice bottle of Mountain Water (water bottle with a logo on it that resembles Arrowhead's). Cool, refreshing, big on taste, but also big on satisfaction. And what do you got there? Malcolm: I got pancreatic cancer. (Doug is disgusted. "45,220 people get Pancreatic Cancer a Year. This message brought to you by the National Buzzkill Institution of Canada." Cut back to the commercial) NC (vo): Sheesh, I mean, this can't be good for tourism. Who the hell would want to go to Canada after learning that statistic? Do they have that on the entry sign to the place? "Welcome to Canada. One in two girls will be physically or sexually abused?" NC: That's pretty awkward! NC (vo): I mean, how do you think the expecting mother feels? Woman: '''What is that? '''Grandma: It's a rape whistle. NC (vo; as mother): Well, Grandma just ruined the baby shower. I'm gonna go hit the vodka. Oh, wait, can't drink. That's right, that's right. Again, great timing, Grandma. (normal voice) I know you mean well, guys, but...JESUS! Grandma: It's a rape whistle. South Park Parents: ♫ Blame Canada! Blame Canada! ♫ Denny's Red, White, and Blue Pancakes (TV static transition to: '''Denny's Red, White, and Blue Pancakes')'' NC: (standing up after seeing the commercial begin) Everyone rise for the greatest commercial ever. I know it's current, but trust me when I say it is destined to become a nostalgic commercial classic. NC (vo): It starts off with a guy just going into a Denny's to get some pancakes. What follows is a moment of pure and absolute beauty. (A man is shown at Denny's looking at a menu) Man #1: Red, White, and Blue Pancakes, huh? What do they taste like? (The old man next to him thinks about the answer) Man #2: America? (The American national anthem plays as NC salutes) NC: Yes! Yes, they do, nodding strange old man! NC (vo): Denny's Red, White, and Blue Pancakes taste like America! NC: My God! Everything this country stands for! All the bloodshed, all the... NC (vo): ...cries of freedom, all the war, all the battles, all the patriotic... NC: ...treasures of the world...all found here... NC (vo): ...in this humble brilliant piece of brilliant-ness. You know, some people say they see America in the Lincoln Memorial... NC: Fuck them! Some say they see it in the... NC (vo): ...Constitution of the United States... NC: Fuck them, too! Some say they see it in our purple... NC (vo): ...mountains majesty, in the glimmering eye...of the honest worker, or in our stars...when they see that our flag...is still there... NC: FUCKING PUSSY PANSIES!! It's in the Red, White & Blue Pancakes from... NC (vo): ...Denny's! NC: I mean, just look at this man when he walks in... NC (vo): He is lost and unsure of himself. He is afraid to venture where he has never ventured before. Man #1: Red, White, and Blue Pancakes, huh? What do they taste like? NC: These pancakes...these simple Red, White, and Blue Pancakes, where will they lead him? NC (vo): What will this mean for his future? NC: But then...you can see the old man thinking... NC (vo): ...thinking long and hard about it, "Do I tell him? Do I let him in on the secret of this nation's greatest landmark? Yes! He is ready." Man #2: America? (The final notes of the American anthem play out) NC: America! (Sniffles) And you can see on that young man's face... NC (vo): ...that he has found salvation! Man #1: Sold! NC (vo): He once was lost, but now has found Denny's Red, White, and Blue Pancakes. NC: Tell me, oh, kind wise sir, what other words of wisdom you have to say about this great nation of ours? (The music stops as NC hears the answer) Man #2: America? NC: Yes, yes! Good, good! But what specifically about America makes it so special? Man #2: America? NC: Yes, yes! That goes without saying, but could you possibly go into more detail? Man #2: America? NC: ...How many fingers am I holding up? Man #2: America? NC: What color is my hat? Man #2: America? NC: ...You can't say anything else, can you? Man #2: America? NC: And this young man and I have clearly been reading too deeply into your uncontrollable mental illness? Man #2: America? NC: Heh...well... (Music resumes) I still stand by this is the greatest commercial of all time! Why? Man #2: America? NC: A-Fucking-Merica! And who can top that? Man #2: America? NC: America! (He salutes as the American flag goes through the screen and the music ends again) Man #2: America? NC: Okay, SHUT UP!! (He sighs and sits down) Well, thanks for watching my commercial special, everybody. I hope you enjoyed it and... Hey, whatever did happen to that horny, wicked witch? (We cut to the Witch at her place lighting a candle and placing it on a bookshelf as sexy music plays) Witch: It's hot in here, and I like you very much, Lover Boy. (The man the Witch is talking with turns out to be Mark from ''The Room, again played by Greg Sestero)'' Mark: Well, I mean, the candles, the music, the sexy dress. What's goin' on here? Witch: Don't you like me? I'm your girl. Mark: What are you doing this for? Witch: I want you. Mark: What do you mean? Witch: I want your body. Mark: Don't follow. Witch: I want to have sex with you. Mark: Totally lost. Witch: Listen here, you bizarre man who has a picture of a spoon on his wall for some reason, I WANT YOUR BALLS... Mark: Oh! Now I get it. (They both smile. We then suddenly cut to a now-grumpy Witch and Mark playing football the same way the main characters in ''The Room did)'' Mark: (tossing the ball back) Nice catch. (Moves to her opposite side) Let's see your spiral. (She tosses the ball back at Mark) Not bad. (Moves back) Here's my underarm spiral. (Throws the ball back at the Witch) So much fun. (She tosses the ball back. Mark suddenly stops playing) Hey, this is sexual harassment, and I don't need to take it. (He tosses the ball on the floor and leaves, leaving the Witch extremely confused and stunned) Witch: What just happened? (The credits roll) (NC sits at his laptop putting his jacket back on.) NC: Felt good. Feels like I haven't reviewed anything nostalgia for a while. Gonna see if there's anything else nostalgic I can review. (A bright light suddenly hits his computer as Angry Joe, dressed as Jor-El from the original Superman movies suddenly appears, and standing in front of what looks like the walls of the Fortress of Solitude.) Angry Joe: No, my son. There is still one movie left for you to review before you return to your nostalgic roots, my son. NC: What do you want, Joe? Joe: Joe? I do not know this Joe. I am your father, Joe-El. NC: Knock it off, Joe. My father wouldn't have hedgehog hair like yours. Joe: All right. Shut it off. (His background changes to his airship.) Shut it off. But seriously, there still is one recent film you have to answer for. NC: Oh, well, come on. I've reviewed enough recent stuff. I want to get back to my nostalgic roots. Joe: There's a certain summer blockbuster I know that you didn't care for and I'm here to make you answer for it even if I have to make sure you review it PROPERLY all the way through. NC: What? What film is that? (They stare at each other as the camera zooms in on both. Then it suddenly zooms out.) Joe: Really, you don't know. NC: Of course, I know. It's just that... Joe: It's pretty obvious we're talking about Man of Steel. NC: No shit, we're talking about Man of Steel. I just wanted to build it up for dramatic tension. Joe: Oh. NC: Well, great. Now, how are we going to leave on a cliffhanger? (Satan suddenly comes in.) Satan: I'm pregnant. (NC looks shocked as the screen cuts to black.) Channel Awesome Tagline— Man #2: America? See also *Commercial Special *Return of the Nostalgic Commercials *Revenge of the Nostalgic Commercials *Rise of the Commercials *Conquest of the Commercials *Battle of the Commercials *War of the Commercials *Escape from the Commercials *Planet of the Commercials Category:The Nostalgia Critic Transcripts Category:Content Category:Guides Category:Commercials Category:Transcripts